I watered some house plants throughout the school. I wanted to feel needed. I wanted to feel a being's life depended on me. Maybe I was upset about some other things. I was upset about the absolute disparity between having three A's, two B's, and an F. I was upset that the change in school management such that it fell into disrepair was evident. I was upset that I missed out on all of the public pop tests. I could hardly bear to tear and destroy my notebook in rage as at this point it was more drawings than work.
I went up to the school rooftop to kill myself like I had always described and had nearly gotten me put in a mental hospital if not for my lies to the men who came to interview my capacity. The staircase was filled with those plants. They seemed so new. They were new. I picked up the nearby watering can and filled each up. I felt great
I don't really want to die anymore.
I can be useful.
I wandered around the school whole ditching the second to last class of the day as I always did. I guess graphic design wasn't for me. I'm sorry. I never wanted to make it seem like I hated you, Mr. XXXXX. I know how much effort you lit into your students. I understand it too much. I couldn't take the intimacy. I couldn't take how sociable we were to be and couldn't help but when using limited expense equipment. I'm sorry. Am I sorry? I feel horrible about it all. The school is tall and narrow. The staircase up to the rooftop splits off into a small sleeping quarters for the nurse's office. I always got the impression staff slept here too. Maybe that's a bit childish, just as that street lights are controlled by switchers under the pavement.
I was approached soon by a staff member. She came up to me a d asked for me to put my hands behind my back. My heart sank. Was my phone locked. Did I leave out my passwords somewhere in my room if it gets raided. Had I drawn anything risque recently on paper that could get me in terrible trouble. Oh, I wasn't going to resist and resolve any of these if they were an issue. That wouldn't work, no. I'm not that well built. It's unlikely they raid my room.
She cuffed me and took me to an office for questioning.
"Are you familiar with these plants?"
A man was waiting in the room the woman brought me to. He held up some photos of cacti and houseplants with large leaves. The plants I had watered in the staircase
"Yes." "What about these plants?"
The next image was horrible. They were wilted to the point of having shrunk like popped of air. Having molded like week old bread. Having gone flaccid like a...
"I watered the plants! I... I just wanted..."
I was blatant about my intentions, but stuttered too much for it to come across. I could just have well meant to destroy them in revenge of my failure. In accessory to my truancy The woman would come behind me after I stopped crying with a light metal scraping noise. Scissors!? "STOP PLEASE DONT CUT MY HAIR PLEASE DONT ANYTHING ELSE" I began screaming in terror
She unlocked my cuffs
There were no scissors
My tear stained eyes must have deceived me
My glasses were unbelievably foggy
She let me go
It would be okay, right?
I was let go as soon as it was believed I had only the best intentions. I was escorted to the class I so abandoned. The teacher I so let down. The classmates who hardly knew me as more than the girl who never came to class and left an empty seat in the middle of the room.
I chatted for the first time in months with that teacher. I asked if there was anything I could do. A stack of paper I could go through. A list of assignments I could quickly finish
He helped me. I had an opportunity despite everything. Despite the school year coming to a close in just a few months. Despite my coldness towards him
Maybe he knew too well how much of a fucked up 14 year old I was. Maybe he saw some reason enough behind my crying and screaming that I needed compassion and support more than failure and rejection. Maybe he was just taking orders. I have no idea
I took the stack of sheets home with me to do over the next couple weeks Children coming of age like is seem to be looked at for the first time with eyes of expectation. Eyes that demand personal responsibility for failures and emotions. You should have learned by this point what you're doing is wrong. You'll be an adult soon enough then a real citizen among many.
You can't be helpless forever.
When push comes to shove, you have to come back at them with a knife.
The harsh and cold winds and light rain hitting my skin as I stood on the rooftop felt amazing. It smelled as good. I breathed it in deeply. I gestured just as much as would fill my lungs better
My clothes were soaked
I dripped down the stairwell
It was so utterly silent